DUDE!

What's up? Oh really? That's cool. Me? Nahh, just chillin. Oh, yeah we're not friends anymore... again. Did you hear? Yeahh. She needs to get her shit together. This time seems more permanent though...

Anyway, wow. Been a while huh? I find it funny how when I have no one to talk to or when I have a fallout with a certain someone is when I resort to blogging. Hm. So I really despise her at the moment because she gets pretty self centered and has no idea of the repercussions of her actions. Nor can she walk in the shoes of other people. I don't know if she knows that. But she doesn't think, and has no kind of filter for her mouth. But I guess this would happen sooner or later. Us, not being friends. The bad terms part is really what shocks me though. We were both pushed off the edge though. For me it's rare that it happens. I usually keep a good amount of cool to stay collected. But I kinda lost my shit. My lips were even snarled the whole day. She has no idea that she brought this on herself.

 I have no faith in her ever understanding.

On another note, I hate that feeling of mutual dislike. It kinda bothers me. It makes my days slower and makes me feel a little miserable. Almost wishing she feels as miserable as I am. I apologized to her today. After a nap, I woke up and I had the scariest feeling that I was falling. I was just in bed, looking at my computer and my body like, fell through my bed. I know it sounds weird and like, 'blog worthy' but really, it happened and scared the shit out of me. I thought there was an earthquake. I had to look up symptoms of vertigo after. Haha. Then I felt like my brain shifted and I decided to apologize for my drunken anger. As expected, I wasn't forgiven. But that's okay. She's whatever. And I know she doesn't need me anyway. She never did. But now more than ever, I'm useless. She has everything she needs, and I mean everything. ~_o  <= wtf is that. But yeah. Strange really. Seemed like an old married couple yet we were never together once. Really weird. I've been counting the days we haven't been friends and it's weird because it seems so long. Lol. I know our friendship changed, and that was both of our faults I think. I've become closed off to the majority of your first world problems that I couldn't reply to. Because I'd just brush off those kind of things. But apparently it's my fault that I change the subject or can't reply. But when I have a problem I get the same response from you. "Ohhhh." or "I don't know what to say.." I can see that it pretty much goes both ways. So I don't wanna bother with my problems either. Also because they're exactly that. My problems. Won't burden you with those. What a fuckin' headache we are. I hate us so bad sometimes. Our little dance. But it's times like these where everything I do, I do it better. Only, only, only, because I want you to notice I'm doing good. Now that I'm done with work and school and I have all this free time that I would be spending with you. Which I now spend sleeping. It's horrible. Fuuuuck. Lol I just realized how my statements went from 'her' and 'she' to 'you'. I guess I must've gotten too into it..

Well she ain't textin' me back and she says it'll take a lot for her to forgive me. I wonder what it would take. Kinda dumb when I'm not totally in the wrong. I mean I did say things beyond appropriate but that was a mixture of bottled up anger, and the stacked anger of the day. Lol I was pretty fucked up. But I didn't really regret it. Until now that is. Exponential regret as time passes. Damn You. Damn Me. Damn Everything. Damnit.

The way things are going now, yeah, we're not going to be friends or anything any time soon. Different paths and different people. This is definitely the same cycle and history repeating itself. Just a new guy she'll probably be with for 2 years, or rushing a relationship until it has to end.

Great situation.


Ay Quader, keep it real forever. K, thanks.

JQ

Another Day of The Program

It's not going smoothly. I feel like I don't know what's happening in the day. The dumbest part is that it feels like a break up. And it's absolutely not. Well, I guess it is, in a sense. Her christmas gift finally came in the mail, or, 1 of 2 at least. And I don't really know what to do with it. Seeing her just goes against everything. I'd love to drop it off. Haha. Idk. It's too early to reconcile, I think. I accidentally texted her today. I never thought I'd do that. How retarded. Well this is just a quick blog before class. My mom was off work today, so I had to drive everywhere. Funny, I was in Wildomar most of the day. Right next to the house. I almost involuntarily went there. I went to Starbucks there and even got gas by Del Taco. Funny. Well, I have nothing else to do. So I'm just going to leave for class early. 

Later, Quader. 

"Do what makes you happiest." 

J.Q.

Blogging Again.

How rude of me to just blog and not play ketchup and mustard with you.

So I started school in November. It started out awesome. The teacher was nice and easy, and class was a breeze. I liked it. But she was just just filling in because she got a better job somewhere else, so we got a new instructor and shit just got tedious. Now I know what it feels like to have a fried brain after learning so much. At the end of the day I'm seriously just mentally tired. Shit man. It's not fun anymore. Blah. Christmas Break was such a nice time off. But now its back on the grind for the new year. 2011. Wow. The New Year always seems like a big deal. But it happens every year. I don't know why it seems like such a longer time. Hm.

So, I made a change this year. I did something I probably should have done a long time ago. I guess in some way, I manned up and did the smart thing. I put a halt to a friendship and withdrew myself from it. I won't lie, it's really hard. It's taking its toll on me because I have nothing to fall back on. I don't know if it's easy for her, because she has a cushion. Something to replace it with. I'm sure this is what she wanted. I'm a damn inconvenience. She doesn't need me for anything anyway.

She was a poison that became medicinal to me. It's sad. And it's dumb that I already miss talking to her. Man, I'm such a shit. Well, I hope she's satisfied. And with 40% truth, and 60% sarcasm; I hope she's happy. I guess I just want her to miss me. That's the truth really. Pathetic, I know. I hate that I'm trying to make this happen. I really wish it was forced to happen. Like I moved away, or vice versa. Something against our power. It'd be a little easier. Actually, I do want to move away. I just want to be away.

I feel so numb. I just don't feel like talking, and the smallest things irritate me. Someone asking me a question already stirs me up. Because it means I have to answer them. I have to speak, and think. I don't want to. I just want to stay in bed and sleep, then when I wake up, sleep some more. I hate waking up and I hate trying to fall asleep. I'm scared.


No quotes today.

Jay

Hey You.

What's happenin' Quader?

I'm in a Coldplay kind of mood. I look back on my old entries and it's almost as if nothing has changed. I guess I only blog when I feel this way. Therapeutic, yeah, but sucky that I document and keep a carbon record of when I'm feeling low. Sigh. I feel empty. Like I'm missing something that I need. I am so fucking stupid. I guess I just love poison. Referring to that previous post, I still need that good cry. I wrote a note to myself today during class today. I pretty much blogged in my binder during class. Today was a hard day. Yesterday was too. It's really hard for me not to communicate with certain people. I just want to so badly. It's almost splitting me into two. I hope I can fall asleep tonight, and I hope it'll help.

You're the only person I can talk to right now, Darth. Thanks.

JQ.

...

...

Placebo Effect.

Fuck. I sorta cried today. I was doing so well in keeping my eyes dry too.

It's times like these where I just want to get fucked up and smoke weed. I'm starting to really hate my life. I mean, I always have. But now it's like, really? Still the same shit as before? Why can't something fucking change? I'm starting to not be able to take it anymore. I used to have this thought that would make me sad; I would think about all the people that would be sad if I died. How they would be affected if I selfishly offed myself. It used to make me cry. I tried to think about that again and I honestly couldn't think of anyone that would really care. Ah, I know that sounds so emo and lame. But updates with me and other people just haven't been happening lately. I've been left in the dust. Waiting until the fun starts or till my life picks up is almost not worth it anymore. I want to drink water and pretend it's hard liquor. I want to take my vitamins and pretend its painkillers. Because all I can do now is just pretend. It's just sickening. This is sounding like a suicide note. But who's blog doesn't? I just had to let this out. Lately everything I do is just unhealthy for me. It's all just becoming not worth it in the end. I think I need to have just a good cry. Like a full out, don't hold back type of cry. I choked back some tears with today's session. I just fuckin' hate shit right now. Let it be over.


Jay Quade.

First Of The Month.

It's finally September, and man, what a month August was. Not only was the whole month stress filled and shitty, but it ended with such a bang. Appropriate don't you think? Well, good morning, Quader. I just thought I'd stop by and say hey. I've been spending a lot of time with my other blog lately. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you.


 But I'm tired as fuck so I'm going back to sleep.  


Peace 


JayQ.